Off to the seaside. Don’t forget to pack the fur coat!
I don’t remember how many years have been since my accident, but it was this time of the year. My never mailed postcard should’ve read: “I blamed a horse for my wreckless speeding”. My advice for the kids, sleep before you drive not during, and don’t speed and turn right.
Nobody was hurt during the production, but my radiator and the surrounding area. But that is just a coincidence. The no hurt, that is.
The problem with the word homosexual is it contains sex in it, making it perceivable as a constant sexual threat too. Sex is acceptable, but no one wants to have it at all times in the face. I kinda hope I have managed to explain my thoughts, finally, on camera, during the second interview I had for this documentary on gay life in nowadays Romania some of my American friends are currently shooting.
A threat is a threat is a threat, all the more reason for non-combatant me to be very careful in revealing my crushes for straight guys. Oh, yes, these existed, what did you thinK? And no, I don’t have a crush on every guy, straight or gay, rest assured. Although I am sure, as always, there are a couple of people I know, they would advise otherwise… Well, my back muscle hurts so bad I cannot make it out of the house for the moment, so what better past time than blogging and thinking about guys I have spotted recently?!
“Have a drink!”
“No! I have stopped drinking.” and after a short pause: “You know drinking leads to things you might later regret. Like getting together with your ex…”
“Oh, common! The most important part is not to have sex. I mean sex with your ex. Did you?”
“So I have stopped drinking for now”
“… What about your current boy friend?”
“Oh, I didn’t have sex with him yet”
I remember once returning from my Romanian tutoring classes in the eight grade, a guy in the street pushed me and as I had fallen another one kicked me in the jaw. I remember the boot approaching, impact and all. It was cold and dark and all of the sudden it was just me out there, on the cold ice. Nineteen years later and I still don’t know who they were and what has actually happened.
For whatever some might say, not everything happens for a reason. God is not busy keeping scores in a little red book and sometimes there is a good chance that when you see the boot approaching you haven’t actually done anything wrong.
Can anyone tell me a good reason for getting out of the house today? The list is open.
I’d like to erase impressions, feelings, situations, moods, tasks, persons, oh, there are a few people I’d like to erase, how nice it would be if only one could. And dandruff, I’d erase dandruff.
(It was cold, it was a dying autumn in Prague that year. I was strolling frozen to the heart, cold fingers, like most of times, only that particular time I was being tortured by feelings for a jerk. A nice looking jerk. A jerk who knew how to be nice. But nevertheless a jerk. And I was cold, cold, cold, and listening to Erase and Rewind on repeat. Until my best friend made my day and picked me from the airport. He was such a clown, and still is. I can see him then, holding a sign with my name, just because he knew that would make me feel better. Then I laughed and we went to Spring Time)
LATER EDIT: the jerk is a jerk and he has never been my best friend. The jerk and the friend who called are two different persons.
Nikka Costa, Like A Feather
I’m coming out of my wishing well
Where only echoes lonely hear my prayers
I’m coming around to bend cause my resistance’s been far too persistent
I’ve come to far to force it so I’ll watch it slide and land
I could come on strong and willful but
I’d rather watch it fall to the palm of my hand
And when I set it free like a feather it will be
And when I rise to see it done like whatever it will be it will be it will be
I’m taking a breather baby
From sitting on pins waiting for my sky to fall
I’m taking up giving in
So here’s the wheel, I’m putting my feet up
Take another look at me baby
Today I’m taking on catastrophe
I’d rather take it easy
Then try to force what’s on its way to me
And when I set it free like a feather it will be
And when I rise to see it done like whatever it will be it will be it will be
We’re only afraid if we pull back the blinds too far
The lights behind that we free will blind other stars
But the truth doesn’t blind it helps to see far
so get ready to be
Who you are
The other playlist obsession is Gnarls Barkley, Who Cares?
Basically I’m complicated
I have a hard time taking the easy way
I wouldn’t call it schizophrenia
But I’ll be at least 2 people today
If that’s okay
And I can go on and on and on… but who cares?
It’s deep how you can be so shallow
And I’m afraid cause I have no fear
And I didn’t believe in magic
Until I watched you disappear
I wish you where here
And I can go on and on and on… but who cares?
You see, everybody is somebody
But nobody wants to be themselves
and If I ever wanted to understand me
I’ll have to talk to someone else
Cause every little bit helps
And I can go on and on and on… but who cares?
Feels like… the surreal life
But it’s still nice
Wish I could live twice
but I still might
if these bones heal right
I see a little light
though it’s still night
Feels like… surreal like
But its still nice
Wish I could live twice
but I still might
if these bones heal right
I see a little light
though it’s still night
And I can go on and on and on… but who cares?
And I can go on and on and on… but who cares?
Source: www.azlyrics.com
Don’t you find it funny? When there is nothing happening, you just stare into the screen trying so hard to come up with something smart it really shows like a writer’s cramp. And some other times it all happens so fast, you don’t even have the time to sit and type in the damn password.
Here they go, two years now. They have passed. A lot has happened since my last entry. I am two years old now; I have decided to go blunt. With sincerity.
I woke up I gave him head and afterwards he acted like I was as sexually desirable as a door. As a door, not as a doormat! Still. That is not much.
Then he made a comment. He was obviously disappointed with my “email” and “Internet” mugs. I though they made a nice two year anniversary present. Apparently they didn’t. So much for Valentine’s Day then. I am not going to the “what’s with these??” look on his face… And the party just kept on rolling. I am two years old in this and today I am bitter on top of that.
The other one was out. A nice night out partying. When I said I would like to go out to enjoy myself, I was feeling pretty down, remember? he started rattling with jealousy. Good people! We were committing adultery as we spoke! and all he could go about is how I should stay at home, not go out. Don’t I just love it? For what I do I deserve such inconsiderate lovers. Which calls now for time on my own, getting away in my red car to some place where things happen only as I want them to.
The third one was never heard lately. He did send something, I did not wave back. It is oh more comfortable to step over the pain he’s caused. Inhale and worry for the present. The third one is of the past.
Goodnight!
I am trying to find the right sound while choosing the words. I am sorry if I sounded too harsh on him. I don’t understand how he must be feeling… and will never be quite able to entirely fit into his shoes, so to speak. But I am making an effort. Let’s just say that he does not want me into his life so soon after a long and committed relation, the kind he has had for the past years (I might argue that one needs exactly that , the right way, but I am not going to; this is something for him to ponder).
I thought I’d let you know I came out to my mother the other weekend when I was visiting my folks. This was part of a greater plan I had, and now I am confident that I am going to get this finished. My brother already knows, so as soon as my father will know about the real me I will be able to thick the “I am totally out” box in my little online forms 
I do miss the cool times and feeling I had in all my Washington mornings, as well as in New York, when this stranger was lying on my pillow with the most flattering smile on his face. But the situation now makes me feel I have returned to my ordinary life that must go on. I have been thinking about this, and, among other things, I realized you somehow remind me of my father (well, not the way he is now, but anyway). This was quite troubling for me, but, hey! Lately I had to deal with troubling things, so just writing it forward makes me feel better for having the courage to admit it.
I don’t know to what extent any of these lines make any sense to you, nor if you are indeed going to read them (probably you will). I, again, just wanted to let you know how I am feeling. (Huh, I am feeling a lot, or was the right verb hurt?!)
As for the letter, I did not sign “love, Top Dog” - it would’ve probably been true; but then he did sign so and it wasn’t true then; now it is just an awkward situation where words stop making sense and things just are.
When you don’t know who you are anymore, when the one you love is not aswering (isn’t there too much lag already?!), the Internet must seem like a very silent place. Opressingly silent. When your only reason of being online is to beat a continent and two cultures and a context, and get noticed by one, it is not the math which is going to add up the numbers. The one. The love. The Top Dog. Yes, he is Top Dog.
After all, I realize I am very mixed up. I should not be this Ally McBeal character. I do know all the theory by now, I should be able to determine the desired action. Instead, I just end being by myself and blue lately. I do not even know for a fact if he is online, if he is busy. Furtherless, do I know how he feels about me? So I spend my energies projecting hypothetical situations where me, where he and the like. Meanwhile, irl, I am pretending I am fine and I just brag I have a problem, so people won’t notice it. Hell, I am writing this being almost sure nobody will read it. Some things are not the answers to the questions we might have, but we never cease matching up what we have with what we’ve got: questions and answers. I don’t care if you don’t understand what I am talking about - you are not meant to read it in the first place, therefore you don’t really exist. Hence you don’t have a right to complain about the logic of the above.
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